|Just to Say
||[Jul. 28th, 2010|04:06 am]
The journey from Junior High to High School was crazy.|
For quite a while I guess I really wanted things to stay the same. Like, I wanted to be older, but have the same friends and everything.
Up until sometime this year (2010) I kept allowing people to run all over me and use me. Particularly the people I considered 'friends' as well as a few others...
Even now, I'm having a hard time letting go of friendships that are obviously failing. The relationships and friendships that I considered to have failed already seem to haunt me... What is it with the people from my past sometimes needing me and other times shooing me away? I've had it... I managed to hold on to my true self, but it was a difficult process.
I was known as many things... weeaboo, asian lover, wapanese, immature, indecisive, fickle, too mature, paranoid, quiet, shy, crazy, short, and of course emotional... Sometimes people were/are joking with me. But I've had several people attack me in regards to my fascination with Japan, my interests, my awkwardness, and more or less my dating life. Many of my friends would criticize me or complain when I talked about my interest/obsession or anything in general. I've put up with all of their countless talks about drama, drinking, drugs, sex, family problems, molestation, anything and everything. I have opened my heart to people and been horribly mistreated. True, we all have our good and bad... But I never told YOU to shut up or that whatever you complain about is pointless... even though half the time it is. You = those people I'm referring to. I have taken lies for a supposed 'best friend' just so that she is not hated by what was once my other 'best friend'.
I've been through lots of shit, that's life for ya. Still, I try my best to be a good friend and a great person when I can be.
I fought battles with so many groups at school thanks to a certain ex-boyfriend and some of you do not even know the extent of what I went through... Yet I stood strong on my own. (excluding that one girl i re-connected with. thanks for nothing btw :D I hope using me was great?)
On to my LOVE for Japan. You know, guys, your criticism sure is getting old.
I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE HATE ME FOR THIS.
What is the big deal?
Liking a country, culture, people, etc... is nothing compared to having a drug addiction, constant shit talking, asking random people to have sex, drinking or anything like that. I have dreams, hopes, and goals. Are you jealous or something? Maybe you should be... I mean several of you are content with doing nothing and staying in this hell hole.
And fuck you, I can like whatever race I want to. Its no different than a white boy acting black and particularly liking hispanic women or whatever. I do not ONLY date asian men, which some of you seem to believe I will jump at any asian offered to me. That's not true.
Oh, I may have 'acted' Japanese by liking their fashion, food, toys, music, etc. if that's what you think. But what makes everyone unique is what me like, dislike, think, say and do.
So I've never understood why there are so many people who ABSOLUTELY hate us fans of Japan.
I had a lot of fun when my friends weren't so bitchy and before I was detested due to my interests. A lot of my innocence was ruined both through the internet and in Odessa, simply because some people had a love-hate thing for me. I've become such a bitter person. Obviously. Or I wouldn't be writing this.
I stopped trying to contact several people, because I'm not interested in being friends with people who have continually done me wrong. And I do hope that one day some of you will remember I did try my best to always be there for you.
I still miss the past in some ways.. But I'm happy now, for the most part.
Yes, I was a very very fickle little girl. But I was also ranging from the ages 14-16.
Until my 17th birthday I had no idea what I was doing or wanted. I'm 18 now and I have a clearer view now, but I think old habits do die hard... It's possible though. I will probably always fight with my indecisive-side, but maybe it won't be as bad.
I am engaged now and I believe he is a really good match for me. I love him a lot. As much as I can after how much I had to battle my insecurities and paranoia.
I've matured and accept myself quite a bit more now though. And yes, like anyone else at that age... I had tons of insecurities. I'm still young, it's not like I know everything.
I still work at the same place and have been for a little over 2 years now. The pay is pretty good, and in some ways I kind of think that the job helped me mature too... But a lot of bad has come out of it too. I also realize that racism is pretty bad here. Particularly if you are the minority in Odessa. Having an odd personality and not being social with everyone you work with takes from the work experience. I feel like I'm getting nowhere with this job anymore. I do my job, hell, I goof-off less than most of the people there but favoritism doesn't seem to care. I can be the most serious about things, but I get picked on the most and anything I do wrong is ten times worse than if another employee did it. -_-'
Anyways I will be starting my first semester of college here in August. I have a car and can drive now! :D But... I'm going to Japan not long after this semester. And will eventually be attending school there. It's something I need to do. Before I end up getting stuck here.. And really its my way of escaping many of you and the drama.